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The last thing I wrote

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Disclaimer:  This is gibberish and it’s a bit depressive. I strongly advise you not to read it since you’ll only be wasting your very precious time.

If you still go on and read it, I take no responsibility and no blame and you have every right to criticize.

March 2013, 9PM, « girl on fire » by « Alicia Keys » was playing, followed by « parler à mon père » by « Céline Dion »… The rain was pouring outside. I was angry. I just had a fight with my father whom I did not see for a week. The last thing I wrote.

The things I wrote, the feelings I had, the decisions I made and the memory of that night are still so vivid in my head. It was a chaotic week anyway.

But why?

Why was that the last time I ever wrote something?

How did I stop and it never occurred to me ’till now?

It just normally stopped and I never noticed.

So why? Why now?

Why am I typing again now?

And what am I going to talk about?

1 am sharp! It’s not like this is my first sleepless night. All of a sudden having the urge to write only to remember that it’s been more than 5 years; The moment I stopped writing.

What should I write?

Should I talk about my hopes and dreams?

Nobody cares about them…

Love?

But I’m not in love with anyone and no one is loving me…

Maybe depression?

That seems like a more attractive subject… Was there a time when I had it?

I’m confused…

Why am I still typing when there’s nothing to write?

Why do I like the way my hands move on the keyboard? Is it because I miss it?

 

Now I’m staring at the screen.

.

.

.

He’s 4 hours late!

.

.

.

Still staring.

.

.

.

It’s dark outside.

There’s a black shadow outside the second floor window.

I’m scared!

There is this thief that keeps stalking me.

It’s been a while now that he feels so close. It seems like he’s staring at me. Cornering me, waiting for the right moment to steal my valuables… He keeps appearing every now and then, reminding me of his existence.

Is it OK to let yourself be stolen?

Actually, I keep worrying about those certain someones.

I can’t seem to make a choice. I mean, if you’re stolen, you won’t be thinking about anything and you won’t be worrying about anyone so why am I worried that if I’m stolen, their purpose in life will be lost?

Can someone really lose their purpose in life just because someone else has been stolen?

Why do I care when with time they’ll finally forget that I ever had something that’s worth stealing?

But what if this thief steels something else from me?

What if he steels someone else?

Will I lose it too?

Loss… Would it depend on the person he steels from?

 

My phone rings.

I’m scared.

They do not pick up the phone…

I’m scared.

They’re late…

I’m scared.

They call my name…

I’m scared.

It’s closing up on me…

I’m suffocating.

Hundreds of thoughts fill up my head… I imagine every single possible scenario of how they might have been stolen. I have quite the imagination when it comes to this.

I remember every single word and I think to myself that those words may be the last words I’ll ever hear them say.

I’m crying!

Why does this song have to be played now? I think the universe is conspiring on me.

My tears fill up my throat… I can’t breathe.

How did I end up like this? There was nothing to write about two hours ago!

I’m not weak-minded.

I’m the most reasonable, cold-hearted, care-free, and emotionally disturbed yet mentally stable person you can meet for this short moment.

Is it okay to be scared? Is it okay not to lose your purpose and go on living like nothing’s happened? Is it ok to forget sometimes?

Why does it seem like I’ll never forget?

I never picked up on phone numbers I don’t recognize before…

« Hello? Hello… Who is this? »

His voice was barely hearable… It was faded…

« It’s me… accident! I had an accident… »

These words hunt me every second of my life.

(What if I did not answer the phone?)

.
.

Here he finally comes, late again, sitting on the edge of my bed, looking at me drowning in my tears, watching me ask all these questions, he won’t budge. He’s refusing to answer.

He did it 5 years ago too. That’s the reason we had a fight back then. He came a week late and watched me cry yet he refused to answer me. That was the first time my tears did not bother him.

« There is no need to worry. I can’t be stolen anymore. »

I just heard him say that.

Did he just read what I wrote?

Maybe he can’t hear me, and he can read what I write?

Is that why he hasn’t been answering me all these years?

Is that why he stayed? Because he read the last thing I wrote?

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À vos plumes

The Dual Nature of Fear: Protector and Parasite

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Fear: Friend or Foe?

What if fear isn’t your enemy but your greatest ally? Explore how this powerful emotion secretly shapes your life and might be the key to unlocking your true self.

 

The Quest for Self-Discovery

As individuals and members of the human race, we should devote our greatest effort to discovering who we truly are. We often arrogantly proclaim to know ourselves better than anyone else, but do we? When we hear the word “fear,” what’s the first thing that comes to mind? It likely conjures images of trauma and negative experiences. This amalgamation of letters has gripped many of us, playing a significant role in our existence.

 

Fear’s Significance and History

“Fear.” This small word may seem insignificant, yet it is full of meaning and history. Most people deeply care about their lives, and this tendency exists thanks to fear, even if many tremble at the mere mention of it.

 

The Denial of Fear

As humans, we have a tendency to deny what we don’t understand. We often deny our fear. This is understandable; we are naturally drawn to heroic narratives. Everyone loves tales of bravery and fearlessness. We revel in stories of victory and triumph. So, why should we care about fear?

 

Fear as a Fundamental Human Trait

Fear is a fundamental aspect of our humanity. What kind of brave person denies their true identity, unless we are discussing cowardice? Fear is a powerful emotion; it can speak without uttering a word. While fear may make us seem weak or inferior, it can also affirm our humanity. Fear serves as both a guardian and a ruler, governing our choices and decisions. And believe me, ruling is no easy task, especially in an unstable democracy of emotions and chemicals.

 

Fear as a Survival Mechanism

When the kingdom is under attack, fear can override reason and logic to ensure survival, even if the perceived danger is illusory. Fear acts as a musician, playing the drumbeats of our lives, its music resonating with the world around us. This vibration takes hold of the souls of all living beings.

 

Fear’s Role in Time and Perception

When fear takes charge, we feel our existence connect with the universe. We sense our lives intertwining with something vast and complex. Time slows down, transforming into something else entirely, while our perception sharpens, turning our world into a battlefield.

 

Fear as the Overprotective Mother

Fear can be likened to an overprotective mother, striving to shield her children, yet her protectiveness may hinder their growth and limit their potential. This complex emotion plays dual roles, serving as both protector and sage.

 

Fear’s Parasitic Nature

This inherited facet of our evolution influences our daily behaviors and shapes our character. At times, it turns into a parasite, draining our energy and hindering our progress. Unlike typical parasites, this inner fire originates from our own being; it can stifle our movement or compel us to act impulsively.

 

Fear’s Betrayal in Communication

This force can sometimes act disloyally, betraying its creator. For example, when our fear of judgment undermines our ability to communicate clearly, it jeopardizes our goals ,whether making a good impression or articulating a point. Miscommunication often leads to misunderstandings.

 

The Overwhelming Force of Fear

Viewing the world from this perspective can be enlightening, even if we cannot prove we share the same perceptions. When fear becomes overwhelming, it can manifest as a mentally unstable individual grappling with severe trust issues. This emotion does not easily relinquish control over our destiny or our capacity for change.

 

Fear’s Relationship with Learning and Future Prediction

Fear compels us to obsess over predicting the future and learning from the past, as it intensely despises pain, especially when repeated. Fear’s aversion to pain fuels our motivation and imagination, enabling us to predict effectively and avoid obstacles. Surprisingly, fear can accelerate the learning process.

 

Fear’s Role in Human Beliefs

This complex chemical response empowers human beliefs and convictions, adding a unique spark that transforms them into dogma, shaping our behavior. Fear renders beliefs unquestionable; when we deny our beliefs, we deny our identity. All humans have standards, fortified by fear. Without fear, we are nobody. Fear is, in essence, us.

 

Modern Fears and Illusions

Our fears of change, rejection, the unknown, failure, loneliness, dissatisfaction, and unmet expectations are illusions that have become overly significant in our lives. While desire undeniably influences these fears, they have overshadowed fear’s original purpose: survival and the preservation of our existence.

 

Mental Survival in the 21st Century

We still engage in the same primitive survival game, but today’s survival is more mental than physical. In the 21st century, we battle internal dangers and threats. The technological and scientific revolution has shifted our struggles from the external world to our minds.

 

Emptiness and the Human Spirit

Homo sapiens no longer strive to coexist with the external world; our focus has shifted to mental survival. Humanity, with its problem-solving tendencies, may even create challenges just to enjoy overcoming them. While we abhor pain, we also cannot tolerate emptiness.

 

Fear and the Freedom of Choice

The human spirit is unaccustomed to emptiness and the freedom of choice. We thrive under pressure. Fear, once selected by nature for survival, has become less useful in a world dominated by peace. Our violent nature, no longer expressed physically, threatens either our destruction or our evolution.

 

The Inner Predators

If violence once protected us from external threats, today’s predators reside within us. Can we protect ourselves from ourselves and our potential actions? This is a question we must explore.

 

The Future of Fear

We try to envision virtual dangers to validate fear, but how long can this continue? Is it possible that fear will eventually be selected out by nature and become obsolete? If fear’s only remaining role is in competition, isn’t that more closely related to greed, desire, and humanity’s inherent hunger for power and occupation? Can fear survive in the modern world? That is the question.

 

Written By: Habib Riden

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