À vos plumes
A prologue for a novel
Published
7 ans agoon
[simplicity-save-for-later]
Disclaimer: this text contains references that may be triggering to some people.
Close this book immediately.
Please…
If you value your sanity, put this book down.
For the sake of the safety of your mental health, drop this book out of your hands and stash it somewhere to never see the light again.
Please…
…
I see that your inquisitiveness is blinding your need for mental security. How foolish of you not to have taken my advice!
You’re like a white man in a horror movie. Instead of turning on your heels and run the other way, you go straight forward to your own demise.
That was racist… I’m sorry…
I guess it doesn’t matter now whether I’m being racist or politically correct. I’m already dead.
A part of you was anticipating the revelation, I can tell. Yes, this book is my own personal journal containing all of the reasons why I chose to end my life.
I can picture exactly what’s going on in your mind right now. Watch too much 13 reasons why bruh? – What a ripoff! – I should’ve closed the book the minute he told me to – Oh god! Not another suicide story. – Couldn’t I’ve bought a different book? Such a waste of money…
And so on and so on…
I’m sorry to disappoint you. I guess that I won’t be disappointing anyone anymore.
I can guarantee you that my episode had nothing to do with the TV show. The whole thing started before the show was aired. However, it might have been influenced by Chester Bennington’s suicide. You know, that fine line separating you from the abyss? The nothingness… The straw that broke the camel’s back.
I’ve had enough already.
It’s July 22nd, I’m 22 years old and my latest birthday was 17 days ago. July 6th. It’s okay, you probably hate math too.
Hate is a strong word. I struggled with it. I used to enjoy it when I actually understood it.
Well, no more math for me.
If you’re a relative, a friend or someone who knew me personally or superficially, I bet that you didn’t see this coming.
It’s okay. I thought about blaming you but then I thought not. How could you have picked up the signs? I gave you none. I pretended like everything was okay. A good actor, that’s what I was. I was convincing myself that I’m strong enough to overcome whatever obstacle that may block my way.
I was not strong enough.
Or maybe there were a couple of subtle signs. I did practically lock myself at home. But then again, you must’ve intercepted it as my usual behavior. I mean, that’s what I always do when I’m back from college.
Or maybe you noticed but you were too busy to make time.
Or maybe you took all my hints and dark humor as mere jokes and plain cynicism.
Or maybe you didn’t care at all.
…
Would you miss me when I’m gone? Please don’t. I don’t need your ephemeral grief and I don’t need you to mourn me. It’s either that I don’t deserve it or that I would feel insulted by your hypocrisy if you do. The option depends on how were you categorized in my books. I would feel culpable should one of those who were
closest to me cry over me. They don’t deserve it. As for those whom I put sweat and tears into pleasing them without a drop of gratefulness or gratitude, don’t you dare… Just don’t. I don’t blame you. I never did. I admit that I either was disgustingly clingy or simply from 2 different worlds. I always try to convince myself that it is your loss.
I’ve always thought of myself as a good person. Pathetic and piteous but good. I’ve always lent a hand to whoever asked for it, provided that I was able to help. I didn’t ask for anything in return or so I was forcing myself to believe. This pestering brain of mine’s always on relentless, never-ending quest to make me doubt and question myself, my principals, my actions, my skills, what I stand for, EVERYTHING!
If I help someone out of the goodness of my heart, my brain was waiting for me at the end of the deed shaking its Joker-y head from side to side with a stiffened chuckle and an obnoxious smirk spitting deceitful words to shake my own convictions.
You know that you want that favor returned, don’t you? I know you do. I know you. I am you. Don’t you try to blind yourself from the truth.
SHUT UP! SHUT THE F*CK UP! LEAVE.ME.ALONE! Haven’t you screwed with me enough already? What else do you need from me?
Saddening.
I grew tiresome of my routine. Everything in my life at home is designed to bum me out. The unbearable heat – my room’s the hottest of them all – the lack of proper air conditioning – then again, the air-conditioner would certainly be the cause of me catching a cold or the flu. I don’t know how or why. It just happened too many times not to notice the pattern.
That town is depressing… Horrendously depressing. The people are depressing. The girls are hard to approach and there’s nothing to do for fun.
That town is like an enormous prison filled with the worst of world’s convicts and my room is the safest place to b if I wanted to ensure my own safety.
I had my computer, multiple notepad’s pages filled with tons of movies and video games to be done with and sticker notes to remind of the skills that I had planned to learn.
Nevertheless, I wasn’t able to follow the plan. The day grew long and I had to rely on hours and hours of watching porn and masturbating just to lose track of time. Sadly, the minute I was finished, it was either too late or I was too tired and out of focus to do anything productive.
I felt captive in my own mind. I knew that it was all in my head. I knew that I had the tools to conquer the barriers that I planted for myself. I had goals. Lots and lots of goals. I was ambitious. I was creative. I was optimistic. But I was also self-destructive. My cerebrum was a dark place to roam inside. A black hole suctioning every hardly-generated positive thought or self-encouragement. A merciless, forever-hungry leech feeding off my bright side to nurture the Stygian one.
You suck. You’re stupid. You’re a disgrace to yourself, to your family and to everyone who’s counting on you. You’re a weakling. You’re pathetic, etc.
That was my punishment whenever I failed to follow the plans or whenever I had done something that I vowed I wouldn’t do again. In the end, it became my daily mantra and I succumbed to my dark side.
I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity
I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
You say that I’m paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?
– Linkin Park –
« Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down »
I guess I won’t be feeling heavy anymore.
Well, goodbye.
…
Visit my blog for more cool writings: https://hisokaswaze.wordpress.com/
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À vos plumes
The Dual Nature of Fear: Protector and Parasite
Published
4 semaines agoon
10 octobre 2024 [simplicity-save-for-later]Fear: Friend or Foe?
What if fear isn’t your enemy but your greatest ally? Explore how this powerful emotion secretly shapes your life and might be the key to unlocking your true self.
The Quest for Self-Discovery
As individuals and members of the human race, we should devote our greatest effort to discovering who we truly are. We often arrogantly proclaim to know ourselves better than anyone else, but do we? When we hear the word “fear,” what’s the first thing that comes to mind? It likely conjures images of trauma and negative experiences. This amalgamation of letters has gripped many of us, playing a significant role in our existence.
Fear’s Significance and History
“Fear.” This small word may seem insignificant, yet it is full of meaning and history. Most people deeply care about their lives, and this tendency exists thanks to fear, even if many tremble at the mere mention of it.
The Denial of Fear
As humans, we have a tendency to deny what we don’t understand. We often deny our fear. This is understandable; we are naturally drawn to heroic narratives. Everyone loves tales of bravery and fearlessness. We revel in stories of victory and triumph. So, why should we care about fear?
Fear as a Fundamental Human Trait
Fear is a fundamental aspect of our humanity. What kind of brave person denies their true identity, unless we are discussing cowardice? Fear is a powerful emotion; it can speak without uttering a word. While fear may make us seem weak or inferior, it can also affirm our humanity. Fear serves as both a guardian and a ruler, governing our choices and decisions. And believe me, ruling is no easy task, especially in an unstable democracy of emotions and chemicals.
Fear as a Survival Mechanism
When the kingdom is under attack, fear can override reason and logic to ensure survival, even if the perceived danger is illusory. Fear acts as a musician, playing the drumbeats of our lives, its music resonating with the world around us. This vibration takes hold of the souls of all living beings.
Fear’s Role in Time and Perception
When fear takes charge, we feel our existence connect with the universe. We sense our lives intertwining with something vast and complex. Time slows down, transforming into something else entirely, while our perception sharpens, turning our world into a battlefield.
Fear as the Overprotective Mother
Fear can be likened to an overprotective mother, striving to shield her children, yet her protectiveness may hinder their growth and limit their potential. This complex emotion plays dual roles, serving as both protector and sage.
Fear’s Parasitic Nature
This inherited facet of our evolution influences our daily behaviors and shapes our character. At times, it turns into a parasite, draining our energy and hindering our progress. Unlike typical parasites, this inner fire originates from our own being; it can stifle our movement or compel us to act impulsively.
Fear’s Betrayal in Communication
This force can sometimes act disloyally, betraying its creator. For example, when our fear of judgment undermines our ability to communicate clearly, it jeopardizes our goals ,whether making a good impression or articulating a point. Miscommunication often leads to misunderstandings.
The Overwhelming Force of Fear
Viewing the world from this perspective can be enlightening, even if we cannot prove we share the same perceptions. When fear becomes overwhelming, it can manifest as a mentally unstable individual grappling with severe trust issues. This emotion does not easily relinquish control over our destiny or our capacity for change.
Fear’s Relationship with Learning and Future Prediction
Fear compels us to obsess over predicting the future and learning from the past, as it intensely despises pain, especially when repeated. Fear’s aversion to pain fuels our motivation and imagination, enabling us to predict effectively and avoid obstacles. Surprisingly, fear can accelerate the learning process.
Fear’s Role in Human Beliefs
This complex chemical response empowers human beliefs and convictions, adding a unique spark that transforms them into dogma, shaping our behavior. Fear renders beliefs unquestionable; when we deny our beliefs, we deny our identity. All humans have standards, fortified by fear. Without fear, we are nobody. Fear is, in essence, us.
Modern Fears and Illusions
Our fears of change, rejection, the unknown, failure, loneliness, dissatisfaction, and unmet expectations are illusions that have become overly significant in our lives. While desire undeniably influences these fears, they have overshadowed fear’s original purpose: survival and the preservation of our existence.
Mental Survival in the 21st Century
We still engage in the same primitive survival game, but today’s survival is more mental than physical. In the 21st century, we battle internal dangers and threats. The technological and scientific revolution has shifted our struggles from the external world to our minds.
Emptiness and the Human Spirit
Homo sapiens no longer strive to coexist with the external world; our focus has shifted to mental survival. Humanity, with its problem-solving tendencies, may even create challenges just to enjoy overcoming them. While we abhor pain, we also cannot tolerate emptiness.
Fear and the Freedom of Choice
The human spirit is unaccustomed to emptiness and the freedom of choice. We thrive under pressure. Fear, once selected by nature for survival, has become less useful in a world dominated by peace. Our violent nature, no longer expressed physically, threatens either our destruction or our evolution.
The Inner Predators
If violence once protected us from external threats, today’s predators reside within us. Can we protect ourselves from ourselves and our potential actions? This is a question we must explore.
The Future of Fear
We try to envision virtual dangers to validate fear, but how long can this continue? Is it possible that fear will eventually be selected out by nature and become obsolete? If fear’s only remaining role is in competition, isn’t that more closely related to greed, desire, and humanity’s inherent hunger for power and occupation? Can fear survive in the modern world? That is the question.
Written By: Habib Riden
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