Connect with us

À vos plumes

Another Leaf on the Tree

insatpress

Published

on

[simplicity-save-for-later]

He was dragged in chains and he did not struggle as he waited for the guards to lead the way. The face of the prison was almost familiar and the shriek of the rusty door, as it opened to his new home, sounded strangely calm. It was almost comforting as it cut through the cold silence of the empty courtyard. His jailors wore no faces, said no words and the brick walls loomed so tall over the prisoner as if to devour him. 

It could have been worse, he thought walking between chambers framed with crooked crossbars. He peeked through the bars and felt relief that all chambers were empty. He was whole in his solitude and in what others might have seen as hell, he found a place of peace. Looking ahead, he saw an open door waiting, as if it waited for him his entire life. He was drawn to it and when the guards locked the door behind him, he stood with his head held high. 

This is what I deserve, this is what I need, he calmed himself and lay down on his bed, looking around his new home. The red bricks of his chamber were cracked and battered, looking like flames by the moonlight pouring down the small window, and yet they were cold to the touch. A large mirror hung in the middle of the rotting wall and its presence was felt. His eyes averted, for he feared his own reflection. 

The silence that was once soothing started to get heavy on his heart and he started to tap his fingers on the metallic headboard of his small bed, just to hear something that was not his thoughts. He looked for hours at the abyss that was the dark ceiling, and he kept on staring religiously so that he would not err and see the mirror, yet err he did. The darkness overwhelmed him and he sat up with a jolt, begrudgingly looking at it for it was the only thing to see, and the harsh eyes of his reflection shocked him. 

He did not recognize himself in the mirror. The eyes that stared back at him glowed red with malice and it filled him with dread. His image looked like the devil and felt like his own jury, judge and executioner. He felt disgust in his own image and minutes passed by with him enthralled by the man in the mirror, until the lips on his reflection slowly started to move. 

“Do you like what you see?” Said the reflection. 

“If I did I would not be here.” Answered the prisoner, with a mild tone of sarcasm. “Neither do I, to be honest with you.” Said the man in the mirror in a shaming way. 

“And what is it that you want from me?” He questioned in a tone of despair. 

“The world would love it if you stayed here. Frankly, you were born wrong.” Admitted the reflection and the prisoner’s temper rose. 

“And with I, you were born. My defects are yours too. We look the same, think the same and speak the same, and this is a life you must live alongside me.” He answered. 

As the prisoner snapped, his reflection softened. The face on the glass felt more human and his anger started to ebb little by little. For the first time in his life, he started to be at peace with what he saw. He found a friend in himself, which he never found anywhere else and it was more warming than he thought. It was a conversation he never wanted to end. 

“So is it you and I against the world?” Said the reflection. 

“Why should it be a fight?” The man was puzzled as he answered. 

“Well the world never accepted us, why should we accept it?” He asked. 

“Well we never gave it a chance to accept us, did we? The world was there and we never touched it.” Sighed the prisoner. 

“We reached and it backed away in disgust, did it not?” The man in the mirror asked. “No, my friend. It reached for us and we backed away. The disgust was ours and it still is.” He responded in shame. 

“But how can we? We’ll never find someone like us. What’s the point?” The confusion was apparent in the reflection’s voice, and for the first time, the prisoner saw himself and felt compassion. 

“I wouldn’t know, but is it bad if we were so different? We might not be much, but we can be another leaf on the tree.” He responded with heartfelt hope. 

“Alas, we are here and the world is out there.” Said the reflection as it glanced at the small cell window. 

They did not feel it, but they went on for hours. Time flew by and the endless stories they kept away from each other left no room for silence and before they knew it, the sun rose and their horrid cell bloomed and felt vibrant with light. Their heart was closer to peace than ever before and they craved the world. They talked about what they might see, what they might hear and what they might do. The secrets of the world they once rejected were novelties they wish to discover. 

Days went by as their bond strengthened and their hate for each other was a thing of the past. The freedom they once thought so undeserved, now they thought was their right, and so it was. Our prisoner itched to leave and he traced his cell, fidgeting left and right. He yelled for the guards but the guards did not answer. He shook the bars with impatience and he heard a faint clank on the chamber floor. 

The key fell right out of his pocket. He stared at it in total confusion, picked it up and it felt right in his hand. He held the world and the world accepted him, and he was finally whole. As he swung the door open eagerly, colours bloomed around him as his winter gave way to spring. He made his way out of his prison as it crumbled behind him, and finally he was a free man.

 

Written by: « Rib7 ».

Share your thoughts

Continue Reading

À vos plumes

Moi et Moi

insatpress

Published

on

[simplicity-save-for-later]

By

Si obscur, le monde si silencieux. Seule dans le vide éternel qu’est mon propre être. J’observe ma vie, qui je suis. Cette identité façonnée autour d’un être qui n’existe point. Je ne suis peut-être pas cette identité. Je ne sais pas vraiment. Une errance éternelle entre les ruelles de mon cerveau. Une brume de confusion qui refuse de se dissiper. Recroquevillée sur moi-même, j’ai peur de même respirer trop fort. Le monstre hait lorsque je perturbe son règne de terreur. Je regarde devant moi les pièces éclatées de ce reflet de moi-même et que j’ai brisé de mes propres mains. Le sang dégouline encore tachetant le sol miroitant de ma conscience. Ce combat infini entre qui je suis et qui je veux être. Une cause perdue.

Voilà ce que je suis. Je crois que mon existence même est une erreur. Un calcul de trop. Je disparais alors dans les recoins les plus enfouis de mon tréfonds. J’offre au monde cette version toute parfaite. Tout ce qu’il faut pour cesser d’exister. Qui suis-je ? la réponse ne vient jamais. Cette question retentit, un écho impossible à ignorer. J’hurle pour l’étouffer mais je ne réussis guère. Les larmes m’étranglent et les souvenirs me hantent. Des rêves que j’ai cru morts me revisitent, des mirages troublants plus que tout. Je veux m’en aller. Partir. Ailleurs. Quelque part où personne ne me connait. Quelque part où je peux me débarrasser de cette peau qui m’écœure tellement. Sauvez-moi de ce monstre qui est mon âme même. Ce monstre me tue en douce. Chaque jour un peu plus de poison. Il me tient par la gorge. Ses griffes contre mon cou. Son souffle dans le mien. Je le ressens à chaque respiration. Une personne à part. Honnêtement. La paranoïa est sa carte maitresse. Sa voix si dominante dans mon esprit. Je fais la sourde mais sa voix refuse de lâcher prise. Il me fait peur, éperdument peur. Il se moque de moi. Regardez-le. REGARDEZ-LE. Il rie de ma détresse. Ce désarroi qu’il orchestre d’un sadisme accru. Je frôle une folie dangereuse.

Au bord de la rupture. Je me torture à coups de questions qui refusent de cesser. Je tiens ma tête pour me calmer. Je regarde le sang devenu un flacon. Sur ce flacon, je me vois enfin. Brisée que j’étais. Hantée, perdue, penaude mais étrangement lucide. Ce genre de lucidité qui brule, un arrière-gout amer après chaque effondrement. Une clarté qui me maintient ici malgré tout. Un ange gardien, oserais-je le terme. Méritais-je réellement autant de souffrance ? méritais-je même un peu d’amour ? de la compassion ? Un sentiment qui n’est pas le dégout et la haine envers ma personne. Un dilemme existentiel, cornélien. Des choix impossibles. Une vie insupportable.

Comment apprendre à un cerveau qui a toujours été sensé haïr comment aimer ? pourquoi aimer ? puis-je quitter cette transe, cet état épouvantable dans lequel je vis ? puis-je me libérer des chaines qui me retiennent à la merci du monstre ? Est-ce que je peux ? quelqu’un ? répondez-moi ! encore la réponse refuse de venir. Cette fois…cette fois je comprends que la réponse doit être mienne. Nul autre. Ridicule. Horriblement ridicule. Une ironie qui n’échoue pas à m’émerveiller. Comment l’être qui n’a connu que le silence et l’étouffement peut s’exprimer ? Les mots, cet être a oublié. Son humanité, il a enterré. Comment, après tout ce temps, ose-t-on lui demander une réponse ? Pour la première fois, je me relève. Je ne suis plus recroquevillée même si le monstre me possède. Je discerne avec une perspicacité authentique ce monde morbide qu’est ma conscience. Cette noirceur obsédante n’est pas moi. Ce silence terrifiant n’est pas moi. Ce sang infini n’est pas le mien. Ces pièces éclatées ne sont pas moi.

Je sais la réponse à toutes les questions. Je mérite d’exister, de m’aimer et de guérir. Ce corps est mien. Cette vie est mienne. Dans cet équilibre fragile induit par cette résistance jamais connue, le lieu cesse d’être lugubre. La lumière de la vérité l’éclaire et je comprends enfin. Je ne suis l’esclave de personne, le reflet de personne, l’ombre de personne. Je suis moi. Une personne qui a une existence et une volonté indépendantes. Cette évidence tombe sur moi un salut délivrant. Je me libère ainsi des griffes du monstre qui hurle, chassé par la glorieuse lumière de la victoire. Aujourd’hui, je choisi d’exister, moi, nul autre. Je décide d’être celle que je souhaite. Je décide de faire de qui je suis celle que je veux être.

Ecrit Par: Malek Jarboui  

Share your thoughts

Continue Reading

Made with ❤ at INSAT - Copyrights © 2019, Insat Press