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Ryan and Delmore out on a date, part 5

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He wrapped his arms around her, kissed her head and tried to calm her down but she squirmed out of his clasp and cried:

– NO! Stay away from me, please!

– Wh.. What? Wh… Why would you say that? Replied Ryan confused. What have I done? Just tell me and I’ll fix it. I swear.

– It’s not you. It’s me. I have a boyfriend, okay? I wasn’t planning on any of what happened between us to happen. Aaron and I have been going through a rough patch lately and I really needed a break and that’s where you came in. You felt… Safe. But today, everything was so perfect. You made me forget about him. And I let my guard down and let things just happen. I know I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry but I can’t do this. I love him.

And in a blink of an eye, with her last confession, his whole world fell apart. He felt the ground crumbling from below him. A free fall from happiness to « f*cking shoot me dead right between the eyes I no longer have the will to live ». He stood there frozen from top to bottom. The only proof of life were his tear-shedding eyes.

Dear readers, if I had to describe his current state, it would take me days, and not enough words in the English language are strong enough to do it justice. It won’t do it justice if I tell you how hurt, humiliated, fooled, used, broken, stupid, sorrowful and devastated he felt. It wouldn’t do it justice if I told you that his tears couldn’t dry off and were dribbling down like raindrops. It won’t do it justice if I told you how hard he tried to compose himself and say something back or make a joke out of the situation to soften the blow like he always does. But what joke would he make? At least we both had orgasms. That counts as a win-win scenario, right? or You must’ve been very desperate to go out with me then. He couldn’t bring himself up to utter a single word. He gulped and sniveled and that was it. The whole scene looked heartbreaking.

Delmore was feeling guilty for the horrible crime she committed but there was little she could do while facing an impossible choice: The one she claims to be in love with and the one she had a one-night mistake with. So, she showed herself out and before she disappeared from Ryan’s view, she whispered a faint « I’m sorry » and with it, she was gone…

Ryan closed the door slowly and dropped to the floor, his back against the door. He brought his knees to his chest and covered his face with both his hands and sobbed shaking his head in disbelief.

Then he got himself up, filled with rage, he punched the wall. ‘F*ck’ and punched ‘F*ck’. And punched and punched and punched and punched and punched… F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, F*******************CK… His hands bled and his knuckles bruised. He headed for the stereo set and grabbed the Demi Lovato CD and threw it out of the window as hard as he could. He slammed the controller he had given her earlier and broke it to pieces. It was an ugly sight to see…

We could all agree that his reaction was a reasonable one, violent as it might’ve been. At least he didn’t suppress his anger to lash out on an unlucky unexpected guest that night -You’d be relieved that no one knocked on his door and that he had no encounter with any other human beings that night- and he wasn’t too extreme that he’d do something as stupid as commit suicide or go completely nuts and track her down and murder her with her boyfriend. But we could also relate to his torment. We’ve all been in his shoes unless you’re a heartless bastard or a robot. We’ve all been deceived by someone we admired. We’ve all been heartbroken at least once in our lives. I’ve never actually broken anything but I’ve always wanted to kick the shit out of someone during such situations. I’d play scenarios in my head, like someone getting on my nerves and I’d just grab him by the back of his neck and bash his nose with my knee and then put him down with a left hook, or roundhouse kick him on his thigh to bring him down to his knees and then knee him in the face to finish him off by getting on top of him and pummel his face with hateful angry punches. But I’ve never done that. And probably never will, as appealing as it may sound when I’m in that state. I’m not sure how you cope with such unpleasantries, but I hope you’re not hurting anyone in the process, including yourself.

He finally brought himself to calm down a little bit. He headed back to his bed, fetched his journal and set it down on his office table, grabbed the feather and began scribbling down:

It hurts… It really hurts… Thinking about her hurts… Her words are still echoing in my head, inducing a chaotic mayhem in all my sensor synapses, wrecking my fragile psyche, unwillingly puppeteering the chemical reactions ensuing inside of me. All the romantic movies I’ve seen, all the amorous books I’ve read, all the syrupy moves and gestures I’ve pulled and my endeavors still were unrewarded… Where’s the silver lining in this? Damned with a curse I shall not break free from, destined to abide a nightmarish existence for what’s left of my being. What insolence or outrage could I have perpetrated to be doggoned with God’s wrath?

Now I’ve occupied this pale disguise, a vessel of what once was a lively cheerful man, a valiant combatant in this game of life where he stood up to it with optimism, hope and a unique sense of humor which added likability to his character. I’ve become… No, I’ve always been this abomination set on the course of obliterating and desiccating every source of hilarity I come across.

Defeated may it sound, I’m undeserving after all…

What triggered it? Oh, let me guess… It’s a « she », right? Pathetic. Oh BOO HOO a girl broke your heart. Oh, wait… Oh my god, did you hear that? Did you see that? The roof is falling apart, the sky’s turning black, the soil’s cracking open to swallow you alive. IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD… MAN.THE.F*CK.UP. Go bench press, write a book, jog until your legs can no longer hold you upright, jerk off, play a video game, do something productive, I don’t care. Just MOVE.ON. F*cking crybaby going all emo on me. People are starving, dying, can’t find a shelter or proper water to drink on you’re here weeping like a little dumb bitch.

Why should I care about these people? To each his own predicaments and torments… Mine happens to be my curse to never find a suitable partner to spend the rest of my life with. I’m alone. I’m alone god damn it. Have you got any f*cking idea how does it feel to be the only pathetic male in your friends’ circle to always try and to always fail in the sole quest of having or even maintaining a functioning relationship? And just when you believe you’ve found your perfect match… Perfect match my *ss… Just when you think you’ve found her, all flattery and flirty, all beautiful and breath-taking, all interesting and smart, a unique thousands-of-years rare gemstone with a captivating personality and intriguing perspective on life. The same kind of damaged and broken you are to which you can relate to and whom you can perfectly understand. I was blindly drawn to her as she, utterly and literally was like no other female I’ve had the pleasure of talking to. She’s…

Shut up. SHUT.THE.F*CK.UP. How could you possibly still praise her, talking about her beauty and intelligence and yipita yapita ta while she was the reason for making you this f*cking pathetic, miserable, whiny brat? You’re f*cking trembling from head to toe for f*ck’s sake. You can’t even stand up straight without the fear of fainting at any point. Your heart feels like it’s about to explode and you f*cking know too damn well that you’re feeling like you’d have a panic attack at any giving moment right now. You can’t even breath steadily. Look at yourself, you helpless moron. Tears running down like a f*cking waterfall. JESUS.F*CKING.CHRIST! Consider me heartless but I’m f*cking grateful that you’re on the path to becoming an inconsiderate, indifferent bastard. That way, they’ll get hurt. You won’t. You don’t deserve to get hurt. And don’t you dare say that you deserve it or want it. Who wants to suffer for the rest of his life? You can’t play tough guy while your tears haven’t even dried up yet. It’s time for you to adopt another strategy if you loathe the thought of growing old as an old lonely fart who at some point won’t be able to use the restroom on his own or cook for himself. Be a jerk. A f*ckboy. A ladies man. An arrogant confident sexy *ssh*le. I mean she played you and used you while she’s already in a relationship with a guy that most likely to have many of these qualities. Most of them choose poorly. So be the poor choice of some dumb-*ss girl that she sees you as someone that you’re, in fact, not. Sell an image. It works in marketing, it should work on everybody.

It’s either that, or loneliness…

He took a deep breath. Closed his journal. Gazed at it. Then grabbed it. climbed down the latter slowly still staring at his diary. Came to a standstill in front of the window. Took a good final look at it again. And then threw it out…

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Chapter 5 : Medea, A fractured halo.

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The heat was unbearable to say the least, a suffocating hand squeezing the very air from my lungs. As if eternal damnation wasn’t torture enough for the inhabitants of this cursed realm.

Tartarus wasn’t for the weak. Or at least, that’s what I gathered from the looks of it. Down here, the whispers of Asphodel and Elysieum were a cruel joke. Every instinct in my body was begging me to turn and flee, until a flicker of movement in the distance snagged my attention, making me halt in my steps. 

Someone was watching me. 

“Mermerus?” a woman’s voice echoed through the abyss, “Mermerus, is that you?”

Words died on my tongue. Though a silver of desperation lingered in her voice, everything about the approaching figure sent chills skittering down my spine. Crimson red robes, the color of spilled blood, clung to her form, a stark contrast to her pale skin. Her untamed black hair almost covered the entirety of her back. Something about her seemed disturbingly primordial. This was no benevolent spirit, no sorrowful soul. This woman was a true creature of darkness, someone who had not simply adapted to Tartarus but seemed to thrive in its haunting embrace.

As she drew closer, I could see the disappointment in her eyes slowly settle in. For I wasn’t Mermerus, nor did I know of this person she despondently wanted me to be.

Mere inches separated us now. She towered over me then reached out her hand to cup my face. Her touch wasn’t one of comfort, but far from it.

“You do look remarkably like him.” She murmured, the softness in her voice a fleeting mirage.

“Who is he?” I managed to let out as she turned around and started to make her way back.

“My child.”

“And where is he now?” I dared to ask.

The sound of her footsteps abruptly stopped. In the deafening silence, she turned, a cruel smile twisting her lips.

“Dead.”  She said, her voice devoid of emotion, “I killed him.”

A minute passed, or maybe an eternity I’m not certain. Those last three words hung in the air between us, words that felt more like a boast than a regretful confession. 

“Oh please, spare me the shock, I’m sick of it, Who are you boy? Did Aphrodite send you to further taunt me? Sending a boy who looks like my dead child is a wicked move I must admit.” 

“No, my lady.“ I gulped, “Forgive me but I don’t even know who you are.”

A notorious laugh escaped her lips. “Gods and their twisted games.“ she spat, a flicker of something akin to boredom flashing in her eyes. “Fine then, I am Medea, Grand-daughter of the sun. Daughter of the sea, Niece to supreme sorceress Circe. Witch.” She took a step closer, forcing me to crane my neck to meet her gaze. “ A mere thread separates the bumbling foolishness of mortals and the cruel whims of the gods » she hissed, the last word dripping with venom. “ And I walk that thread fueled by powers you, child, can faintly comprehend.”

Ignoring the termance in my voice, I managed to ask “How did you end up here then? amidst this…torment?”

“Why don’t I show you?” she whispered, her voice laced with dark amusement.

Before I could protest, she reached out for my hand. She muttered something in a tongue I couldn’t quite decipher, a strange incantation. The world began to wrap and twist, the great sleep, the great forgetting, darkness, then light.

The world solidified again, I was no longer in Tartarus. My body didn’t feel like mine, Stagnant powers lurked within me, Realization dawned on me.

 

I wasn’t looking at Medea anymore, I was Medea.

 

Everything was a blur, experiencing one’s memories through their eyes was nothing short of disorienting. The visions got slightly clearer; A Flash of a golden fleece, the triumphant glint in a pair of unfamiliar eyes. A love so intense it burned. Sacrifices made, yet promises shattered, betrayal, passion morphed into a cage of raging fury, lust for revenge, bloody hands. The smell of death, A chilling satisfaction, A hollow victory, Then back to darkness. 

My eyes fluttered open. I stretched my hands, relieved to feel my own body again.

“How did you do that? Doesn’t being in Tartarus stop you from casting any spells?” I breathe out, still dizzy from the lingering magic.

Medea arched an eyebrow as if I had just asked her the most nonsensical question ever.

“I am a witch, boy. Forever bound to earth. I am tied to the four elements. Tartarus is filled with one of them in all its forms, Fire. My power comes from within. Although this cursed place has tamed it, it could never quench its flames.”

The frustration in her eyes mirrored the confusion churning within me. The visions… hazy fragments that have left me reeling. “I felt them…” I stammered, meeting her gaze, “Your emotions, your rage, as if they were mine.” The weight of a story demanding to be told hung in the air. “Tell me Lady Medea, what has happened to you?”

 

A sigh followed by, then she began to unravel her past before me.

 

“Colchis was my home. Magic flowed through my veins, a birthright passed down from my ancestors. Then came Jason, a Greek hero with eyes that shimmered like the Aegean sea and a smile that promised forever. How foolish I was. For him, I defied my own blood. I won him the golden fleece, a prize named by his uncle in order to reclaim his throne. Looking back now, I realize what a waist of muscles Jason was. Without my magic and my wits, he could’ve never returned to his lands victorious AND unharmed. I vowed to protect him. I fled my home to be by his side. Bloody sacrifices on the altar of his empty ambitions. I was promised by Aphrodite an everlasting love as beautiful as dawn breaking over mount olympus if I aid him in his ‘heroic’ quest. I forgot however that while Jason was the goddess’s chosen, I was nothing but her pawn. A mere puppet that will grant her ephemeral glory once hit by Cupid’s bows. But promises made by the gods are fickle. A lesson I had yet to learn at that age.” 

Medea’s fists clenched, turning her knuckles white. She glared into the distance, as if she was reliving the past.

 

“Another woman caught Jason’s eye upon our arrival to Greece. A princess named Glauce with royal blood and a kingdom to rule over. He cast me aside, leaving me and our children within a blink of an eye . Foolish, foolish man. He had underestimated me, like the rest of them. My grief turned into rage. Revenge became the ultimate goal, a burning ember demanding to burn all it touched. Killing him was never an option. I needed him to feel an ounce of the agony I have felt while breathing still. So I did what had to be done. I took from him what he grew to value most, his new fiancé, her father’s money, and our own offspring. And if I had to, I would do it all over again.”

 

A look of serenity washed over Medea’s eyes. She unclenched her fists, her shoulders relaxed. I waited in silence for her to finish her story.

 

“Heaven and Hell became mere words to me. I fled Corinth, cloaked in the golden chariot my grand-father Helios sent me, leaving Jason a broken shell of the man I once loved. People may call me a villain, a mad woman, the devil incarnate for some, but I call myself a hero. I was the one who won the golden fleece. I have defied dragons and armies, navigated foreign waters alongside Jason’s crew and secured his throne all by myself. I deserved the recognition. I have spent my whole life diluting myself to make it easier to be loved. I have dimmed my magic, a witch masquerading as a human for an oath of eternal happiness. I was more than content with working in the shadows and letting Jason take credit for my mastery if only it meant he would be with me. And what do I get in return? Betrayal. Tragedy is a condition to existence, and I have chosen madness as my defense against it. For the dog that weeps after it kills is no better than the dog that doesn’t. My guilt will not purify me. And I accepted that long ago. Let them fear my wrath, let them whisper of my madness. Let them blindly pretend that all of their favorite heroes haven’t bathed their hands in blood too. But of course, blood doesn’t taint a man’s heroism. When a man seeks vengeance, it’s a mark of strength. When a woman does the same, she’s branded a monster.”

 

She tipped her chin upward, as if addressing the very gods who have betrayed her.

 

“I am no longer a pawn of fates. I am Medea, I am my own person and I shall spend my remaining days here in Tartarus, my new found home, where I truly belong.”

 

I stood there, transfixed. Words failed to decipher what I felt at that moment. Medea eyed me up and down one last time. 

“It’s truly incredible how much you look like Mermerus.” she softly whispered,  “Be careful boy. Don’t trust anyone but yourself down here.”

 

My mind grew heavy with questions left unanswered. I watched as Medea disappeared in the swirling sulfurous mist just as she had emerged from it moments prior.  As I started to make my way back towards the gates, I realized that by simply accepting her fate, this scorned woman has already defied the gods. I may not call her a hero, as she demanded to be called, but she definitely wasn’t a villain either. The very line between good and evil blurred before me. I left Tartarus with a heavy heart and a newfound perspective.

 

 

Written by : Fatma Ben Romdhane.

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