I’mPress winner in english | Amine Haj Ali

When I was a child, my mother always told me that I need to go out more, that I should
explore the world. Little did she know that I had a world on my own, one that I have created
in my head. Pure imagination, where everything is possible, one that I believe still exists in
the darkest corner of my mind. I spent years and years, in my room, staring at the infinity
beyond living there, doing everything that the laws of physics forbade. However, as the years
passed, that little world of mine started to lose its irrationality. It became a place for my
teenage self to live the decent version of life possible, to be the person that I sadly couldn’t
be in reality, since I was mostly emprisoned behind four white walls. And surely enough, to
fantasize about how my dearly beloved and I would meet and how it would be the best thing
that I would ever live through.
Now that would’ve been impossible, hence my inabilty to express myself to the individuals
that I live among. But little did I know that there will be a day where all of my dreams would
come true, or at least that’s what I believed.
I was a bookworm back in the day with only two individuals that I considered as friends and
luckily we were the three amazing roommates. Nothing special and nothing worth describing.
Until one november day, as the rain poured ever-so-generously, my heart started to pump
things more than blood. Pure emotions.
It was the day I met you, the love of my life, my soulmate. You came into my life like a
wave, and crashed me with sensations so intense and so powerful to the point that it
reminded me of an old heartbreak that I hopefully overcame.
You stood there, under the falling droplets, looking beautiful. And I remember thinking, how
could God, create such a divine human with no imperfections. My window may have been
small, but I could see every detail of you. It was a shame that you were talking to the man in
the suite.
I knew I would fall for you, I just knew the moment I observed your eyes, your stare, so
deep and so exquisite. You had that kind of look, the one that screamed of mystery. Smooth
black hair, wet and wavy, perfectly clinging on your olive skin.
To say the least, it was breath-taking.
And it was the beginning of the end of a bland life.
After the encounter, insomia seeped in my nights, stealing my ability to sleep and allowing
my thoughts to imagine unspeakable intimacy. Even the sedative couldn’t take you off my
mind.
Whenever I get the chance to rest, I dream of you. Everything’s red, the room is shaking.
Desoriented voices and vibrations are all over the place. And suddenly everything stops, you
standing there, wearing your usual black blazer and skirt, and don’t get me started on what
we’re doing.
To put it in other words, I was infatuated.
Weeks passed and I couldn’t stand the feeling of helplessness that I felt towards you. Luckily
my friends couldn’t either and pushed me to initiate a conversation with you. And God did
you sound interested. You were calm, funny and exotic. I remember feeling electricity
shooting in my veins every time you answered. It slightly reminded me of electrotherapy. I

would look at your face every now and then. Such an errotic beauty and an innocent
personality.
I became more and more attached to you, and my expectations became more vivid.
You see, I am not used to talking to other people after my last relationship, let’s just say we
ended it in a traumatic way.
I believed we were meant for eachother. At least you were made for me.
It was time to interact with you, and not be seperated by my fear of opening up. And so the
next day, I went to you with a messy heartbeat and a chaotic mind. And all of that was
forgotten when you smiled in my way, dear Lord that smile that made me want to hug you
and forget the rest of the world.
I realized, the instant we started talking, that you were in fact unique, your words were laced
with emotions, perfectly spoken with a voice that I just wanted to hear first thing in the
morning and last thing before I close my eyes.
We talked and talked about everything, we travelled in eachother’s thoughts, we explored
eachother’s desires and wishes and I was in paradise that we created.
You were everything and I was lost in your brown orbs.
«It was a dream, wasn’t it.», that’s what I though every time I opened my eyes.
I loved you. That, I was sure of. You made me feel like it was my first time feeling this.
It started with one look, one night, out of my window, and it became a routine. Every night at
eight, we meet and talk about everything; the past, the future, the present, books, time, life,
everything. I never thought that trust could be simply given to a person that you knew for
some weeks.
It was intoxicating, that feeling of being free to talk about everything, to be completely who
you are, with no limits. I forgot how my life used to be, and I didn’t care. What I was feeling
at the moment was enough for me. It was the best thing that ever crossed my life.
And one february day, as the darkness overcame the sky, I came to you. I didn’t care
anymore, I was going to confess my love to you. So, I started to talk and talk, my words
poured non stop, and without thinking twice, I ran to my room, afraid of the potential
rejection that I’ll get.
I turned off the lights and went to my bed and let my thoughts roam into the universe.
The next day, I considered running away to Paris and changing my name. But my curiosity
got the best of me and my roomates were screaming at me to man up and look for you. I
didn’t have a choice anyway, since the workers in this place force us to get out of our rooms
at 2 PM. Even though I spent the whole time avoiding you. The moment I saw you I ran to
you and hugged you. I almost evaporated into the air when I felt the sting of desire on my
neck. I fainted with pleasure.
I woke up, with the usual lady in white besides me giving me my usual dose. Her presence
makes me cringe and with the pain in my neck, I tried so hard not to scream at her and keep
my cool. She always checks up on me to verify how my mental state improves daily. She
treats me as if I’m a crazy person and I hated that.

She informed me that the love of my life, you, wanted to see me, and my smile started to
form, to the point that my cheeks started to hurt. Maybe this lady was better than I made her
be.
I ran with excitement to my beautiful you that’s waiting for me. This was unusual, the
distance between us was longer than usual, it felt like we were miles away. You stared coldly
at me, I swear I saw demons in your dark eyes. I was sweating buckets, trembling like a leaf
in a winter day. No. This is not what I wanted.
«We could never be.»
Those were the words that made my heart stop. What did you mean by that? I remember
hearing sounds of laughter. Was I a joke to you?
Everything started to spin. The room is getting smaller and smaller. It’s becoming harder to
breath, nowhere to run, nowhere to go. My roommates are here too, fuming with anger. They
always show up when I’m in bad shape, always ready to have my back. They are screaming
loudly, so loud that my ears started ringing. Wait, I was screaming. I lifted my head, and you
were standing next to me, scared, sympathatic and crying. Why couldn’t we be. Why lead me
to believe that we’re in love. I was deceived.
I grasped the first thing in front of me and plunged it in your head. If you want to act like my
ex, you should be treated like my ex.
The people in white rushed in, and stopped in horror. They looked at you sleeping ever-so-
peacefully, over a red blanked of thick, crimson substance.
I was sitting in your chair, imagining waking up in the morning to this tranquility besides me.
I considered getting up to sleep next to you.
Yet these people charged at me, and dragged me away, I was screaming. No, I was growling
at them, they want to seperate us, they must be the once who made you hate me. At this
point, my head felt like it’s going to burst. The red hall is becoming hotter and hotter, and it
felt like it’s curving and moving like a big snake that swallowed me. My friends are here too,
screaming chaotically and fighting eachother, I was screaming for everything to stop. My
arms are aching, scorching pain is cruising in my nerves. Every inch of my body felt agitated.
The movement arises and I couldn’t take it anymore.
I blacked out.
I woke up, I tried to reach for my head yet I couldn’t, something was restraining me. I
opened my eyes to find out that I was surrounded by a troop of these white people, except
this time there were some blue people with them.
I heard them talking about a murder of some psychiatrist. Poor woman.
They injected me with something and I fell into the abyss of darkness again.
And now I’m awake, in my room, and writing this to you, in the memory of our love. One day
we’ll rejoice in another dimension. But for now, they told me that I’m moving out, and I’m
more than excited to see what’s waiting for me. I’m finally getting out of this prison.
I need to leave now, the nurse just entered to take me to the big van.
I love you. Wait for me.

Yours truly.