Connect with us

Astuces

Breakdown of toxic behaviour

Avatar

Published

on

[simplicity-save-for-later]

Who can ruin your mood other and faster than someone dripping with negativity?

You might think that you built high walls between you and that kind of people. But watch out! They’re closer than you think and more influential than you could ever imagine. The worst part is cutting them out of your life is not always as simple as it sounds. They can be anyone: a family member, a friend, a « soul mate », a significant other, a teacher, a co-worker, a boss, anyone you have to interact with on a daily basis…

So how to tell when someone is toxic? And what can you do?

If an encounter with someone leaves you feeling emotionally wiped out, chances are they are toxic. Being with that person feels a little like you are « thrown under a bus » or stuck in a bucket full of crabs and you just can’t escape. When you find yourself upset or angry for no obvious reason, impatient to end the conversation before you lose your nerves, drained out of energy, losing your self confidence and esteem because of disrespect, not given the recognition you deserve.. Ruuuun.

 

First things first, you need to reevaluate ALL of your relationships in order to determine where things are going wrong (you probably don’t have extra time for extra drama). This is in no way about judging people but about taking control of our lives.

These are the criteria of a toxic person. The list might look long, but if you’re finding it very relatable, even too relatable, you might take urgent actions!

 

* they are major gossipers, they’ll tell lies and lies either to get your pity or to scare you out of doing or having something they want for themselves.

* They are out to intentionally hurt you (even if they make it look as joke afterward). Talking to them confuses you: did you just have a conversation or were you just being humiliated again and again?

*they are determined to drag you down. The smallest mistake you make, they question your character, your integrity and your values. They will always find a way to bring back your past and throw it in your face.

* They are manipulators; they’ll use you in any way and will go to any stretch for their own sake.

*They are criticizers, not constructively, but as someone putting you down no matter what.

*Jealous. They want what you have and are never satisfied with theirs. And above all they don’t want to see anyone else succeed.

*They are attention seekers and can’t get enough. As much as they put on a good show to appear independent, they require a LOT of social interaction to maintain their toxicity. After all, you can’t be negative by yourself.

*They portray themselves as victims. No one appreciates them, they’re beaten down by life… Add to that, they’re masters of playing the blame card. Nothing is ever their responsibility.

*They are always negative. They’ll talk you out of anything exciting and they have a million reason why you can’t do the thing you want to do.

*They have no respect to limits. They cross every boundary (with a sprinkle of guilt tripping). « I want to have some time alone » « Oh so you’re getting rid of me? I am staying with you whether you like it or not. »

*They are self-absorbed. They only pay attention to you when it serves them.

People we surround ourselves with influence our worldviews, mood, how we treat others and even how we see ourselves, so choose wisely. Here are some tips when you find yourself in a toxic relationship:

*Figure out what are the traits that make you an easy prey for them. What behavior makes them take advantage of you? But keep in mind that having a trait making you an « easy target » is not a shame. You are not to blame.

* Notice how you react to their acts. Are you underreacting when dealing with a bully? Well that’s what makes them continue. Are you overreacting when dealing with a narcissist? Well that’s what keeps them playing with you. Again, NO NEED TO BLAME YOURSELF.

* Don’t take everything personally even if it’s personal. So what if they think your music taste is bad? There’s no need for jutifications. Move on! And as Nishan Panwar said: » In life, when you encounter mean and hurtful people treat them like sandpaper. No matter how rough they may scrub you, you end up polished and smooth. »

*Make the word « no » your new best friend. You don’t need to agree to or accept everything they say or suggest. Chances are that that toxic person didn’t enter your life suddenly but slowly with your permission. Learn to be assertive and direct. « No, I don’t want to » « No, I don’t like you treating me that way ».

You don’t need to be rude, but you need to be firm and decisive. « I usually accept criticism, but I don’t see how me being overweighed is related to my school performance. « .

*Don’t feel bad for them. They may look fragile and have no one else but you. Don’t let that weaken you. There is an obvious reason why they have no one.

* Negativity is contagious. Don’t let it catch you! Create distance. Try adopting the « grey rock technique » It involves remaining emotionally unresponsive: “It’s a matter of making yourself as boring, nonreactive and unremarkable as possible — like a gray rock…More importantly, remain as emotionally unresponsive to their pokes and prods as you can possibly allow yourself.”

*Set boundaries on the things you can control: your time, your money.. Minimize contact; keep the topics light and the interactions neutral.

* Don’t waste your time trying to fix them because, actually, they don’t see that they’re hurting others since, in some sick ways, it makes them feel good. They don’t deserve your mental energy. It’s like deriving the exponential function over and over again.

*Don’t hesitate to cut them out if it’s possible. It’s true that humans prefer the known to unknown, but if that known is harming you then good riddance.

 

Finally, accept that you might also be toxic. Question your own toxicity and determine if you’re projecting it onto another person.

Share your thoughts

Continue Reading

À vos plumes

The art of procrastination

Avatar

Published

on

[simplicity-save-for-later]

By

Procrastination: The art of delaying tasks until the last minute just because we can.

“But then I noticed something. On the whole, I had a reputation as a person who got a lot done and made a reasonable contribution. . . . A paradox. Rather than getting to work on my important projects, I began to think about this conundrum. I realized that I was what I call a structured procrastinator: a person who gets a lot done by not doing other things.” The Art of Procrastination: A Guide to Effective Dawdling, Lollygagging and Postponing, by John R. Perry.

Procrastination is quite a curious concept that every person has experienced at least once in their life. Does a non-procrastinator even exist? I think it’s merely a term made to make procrastinators feel more anxious about putting off work until the very last second.

However, if I were to describe what presumably a non-procrastinator is, it would be a person who would make a schedule and stick to it. Someone organized and rational enough to start their tasks early on. We have all tried to be that person at one point or another in our lives, one day we decide that we have had enough of missed deadlines and stressful, guilt-filled “free time” and make a schedule to complete work on time, sleep well and organize our day. 

But why does it never work? No one wakes up thinking “it’s a beautiful day to waste my time doing absolutely nothing so I can stress about it later”. What experts, authors, researchers, and activists might say is to “just do it”, just wake up at 5 am for no reason whatsoever, use schedules, read a book, go out for a run, and might as well win an Olympic medal.

Trying to get to know more about the solutions to procrastination, I once attended a workshop about “Time Management” by Katy Smithy Founder and Chief Marketing Officer at Smallwave Marketing. She explained to us that the best thing to do is “eat the frog first thing in the morning” which is first of all animal cruelty but most importantly, what chronic procrastinators fail to do the most. When prioritizing and setting up a schedule, we’re well aware that we should start with number 1 but for some reason, number 55 is calling out our name. We end up doing the somewhat less important tasks and shuffling the schedule over and over until it’s 23:59 on a Sunday and the project due to 00:00 is not even close to finished. So, while we’re well aware of procrastination and its consequences, why do we do it?

Inside the mind of a procrastinator

Most of the time it’s our anxiety holding us back from completing important tasks. It might be a lack of self-confidence or a case of impostor syndrome (a psychological pattern in which an individual constantly doubts their skills and accomplishments). It could also be disorganization and cognitive distortion (overestimating the time we have), perfectionism (wouldn’t we all like to think it’s the cause), fear of the future and/or failure, failure to see the near result, or most importantly the feeling of lack of control i.e. Nadine wanted to learn Latin (for some reason). Her Latin teacher gave her mandatory homework for next week. Since now she HAS to do it, Nadine doesn’t feel like doing it anymore. If we see the tasks as mandatory instead of a fun activity, all motivation suddenly seems to go away.

Some procrastinators like to think they work better under stressful situations and tight deadlines. In some cases, it might turn out to be true, but in others, it’s a coping mechanism. Even though all these characteristics are common for all procrastinators, we fall into sub-categories of procrastination.

 

The overbooker and the Revenge Bedtime procrastinator:

You might be thinking, why these two types? You might also be dosing off at this point thinking why am I reading an article about procrastination while procrastinating on doing my 15 tasks due for tomorrow.

I think these two types are the most common but at the same time, the least talked about.

The overbooker thinks they’re always busy and don’t have time for anything else. But if they were to summarize what they did all day long, it wouldn’t be as much as they anticipated. It’s mainly due to poor time management and easily getting distracted.

John Perry the author of “The Art of Procrastination: A Guide to Effective Dawdling, Lollygagging and Postponing” further explains: The key idea is that procrastinating does not mean doing absolutely nothing. Procrastinators seldom do absolutely nothing; they do marginally useful things, like gardening or sharpening pencils, or making a diagram of how they will reorganize their files when they get around to it.

Why does the procrastinator do these things? Because they are a way of not doing something more important. If all the procrastinator had left to do was to sharpen some pencils, no force on earth could get him to do it.” I must admit I still haven’t read his book, but I’m sure I’ll get to it when I finish writing my 15th revised schedule this week.

As for the Revenge Bedtime procrastination, it’s the phenomenon of delaying going to bed to often mindlessly scroll on your phone for hours. When everything is out of one’s control, “rebelling” against their sleep schedule might seem like the only thing under their control. It’s a very common issue especially for students due to long study hours and it results in disturbing their biological clock (Biological clocks are organisms’ natural timing devices, regulating the cycle of circadian rhythms) as well as low concentration, bad memory…

How do I save myself from the guilt trip of procrastination and get the job done?

You need to find what works the best for you. Some vouch for the Pomodoro technique (A cycle of 25-minutes of work and 5 minutes of rest) others might prefer the previously mentioned Eat the Frog technique, the glass jar technique, or the 80/20 Rule.

The Glass Jar: Rocks, Pebbles, Sand:

This technique focuses mainly on prioritization. The Rocks are the most important tasks, the Pebbles with medium priority and the Sand represents the least important tasks. If you fill up the jar with sand and pebbles, there wouldn’t be any space left for the Rocks. Once you start with the Rocks, everything can fit.

The 80/20 Rule: 

It means that 80% of the results are caused by 20% of your efforts. When applied to time management, one needs to recognize the 20% and focus on them to optimize their work.

Finally, give yourself prior deadlines to the ones set so even if you’re late to your deadlines, you still have time. I think merely asking yourself why you do it and trying to understand the root of the problem is a good way to start. Once you learn how to take advantage of your procrastination, you can only go up from there.You never know, you might even end up writing an article about it.

Share your thoughts

Continue Reading

Made with ❤ at INSAT - Copyrights © 2019, Insat Press