The Voices In Her Head

They were all complaining. So, she decided to go to sleep in order to silence them. It backfired when they all followed her. The voices got louder and clearer.

They made her question her decisions, her priorities, her every move. She tried to make them fade by thinking about her day… Terrible idea! They all had something to say.

They criticize every second of it from the moment she decides to wake up.

« You should have slept five more minutes. » Said laziness till the moment she decided to put two pillows over her head. « You will wake up with neckache. » Said her mommy’s voice.

« Why does it even bother you ? » She yelled in her dark room  » I inherited it from you, remember? ».

Her mum wasn’t supposed to be there. She moved out just to stop her mother from trying to control her decisions; She has too much on her plate already…

She actually likes some of them.

Her best friend who always reminds her to take off her socks before going to bed: « It’s disgusting. » Says the voice whenever she claims she is too tired and cold.

The lady from the grocery store « I will make a new scarf for you sweety, » says the old lady as she hands her the groceries.

She looked at her hangers and smiled at the 24 scarfs she owns. She must think about starting to wear them now or the lady will never stop knitting.

She started thinking about that woman: She looks like a 60-year-old with 2 kids who live in two different countries while she resides with her husband and 3 fat cats, which she actually is.

She started thinking about the moments she spent at the lady’s house when her kids were still in the neighbourhood; they were friends. They played together, watched Tom & Jerry together, even killed a cat together.

« That was an accident, » She screamed, « you really had to mention it, didn’t you? »

« Well, it was your idea, » Said guilt, « You wanted to throw the cat out of the window. »

« Tom did it! So I thought it wouldn’t be so much of a difference. » she said.

She looked around and thanked God she could afford a crib for herself. She doesn’t really appriciate people looking at her as if she is crazy because she is not.

She knows everyone has some fears of their own. She knows some memories are made to scar you for life and she also knows that everyone has voices inside their heads. They just call them thoughts.

Thoughts don’t talk, they don’t remind you of something you lived before, they don’t give you pieces of advice or teach you manners. Thoughts are just what they are: thoughts; newborn ideas also known as ‘new voices’.

She hates to think. Because every time she does, she gives birth to a new bully: she feeds him, gives him the tools and introduces him to the other bullies. After a while, the ‘ thought’ becomes a new voice.

« Think about the day you told that one person about us. » said someone sitting in the back of her head.

« It’s called a therapist. » she said with every bit of sarcasm she had in her inner voice, « people called me crazy, I had to check. »

She already knows where this conversation is heading to. She had it a million times with them; they think she betrayed  them, talked about them behind their backs… She knows they can’t interfere when she is talking to someone. After all, they have manners.

« We told you they were wrong, » Screamed anger.

« Well, sorry for not believing you! But, I thought their story made sense. » She knows she lied, that’s why she prayed they would let it go this time.

« Thank you for that, » Said a kid’s voice in the crowd.

She was expecting this new comer’s appearance but this was the fastest of them all; that’s proof of how much she fears that idea. But, she went to a therapist! She shouldn’t be scared.

« They are your conscience making you function the way you should be. » Said the therapist “ We all have them, but we don’t really pay attention to them. We convince ourselves they are all our conscience.”

She tried to change the subject. She wants to go to sleep but her day was just too awesome for that. She turned to the other side and started thinking about the shoes she bought. They are black high heels. She was thinking about wearing them to her friend’s wedding.

« Like, are you serious?! Girl, all the bride’s mates are supposed to wear matching shoes. » Said the bride’s voice with a grin. She suddenlly remembered the stupid pact she made with her friends when they were thirteen. She regretted it as soon as the voices appeared that day.

She unlocked her phone to check the time. It was late. She should go to sleep now. She has to wake up early. They need her in the office.

« Of course, they need coffee after all. » Said shame.

She ignored that voice. She always did. She is still a trainee: someone who is supposed to make coffee for everyone, bring the newspaper, fill the printer with paper and sometimes learn how to do the job. She doesn’t hate that actually. The voices do though… As soon as she is alone in her dark little room, they criticize her job:

« Five years in engineering school is what you need in order to know that the majority of the people in the office drink coffee without sugar! » Said a sarcastic voice.  » At least they treat their coffee right! » She responded.

She looked at her phone again and tried to count the stars in her lock screen. It always helps. It should help today for she needs some rest. The voices started counting too. This is a good sign. The voices started fading and they all went to sleep but one.

« Not again. » she said « We are not talking about it today. »

She can picture how guilt was adjusting the chair. That bully is one of the loudest.

« The shoes cost you a fortune. » Said the voice. She was surprised since the subject was not that important.

She tried the old way: ignorance. She knows she won’t make it stop but she wanted to delay the conversation. She knows she needs the money. But she also knows she needs the shoes and especially the happiness she bought with them. She knows the rent is due next week and the owner is not the forgiving type. She started counting the stars again. She figured it was not going to work. Good thing she always has a plan B: counting the stars non stop. It worked as planned; guilt is now asleep so she decided to do the same.

« You will never make it at time, lazy. Wake up! » So the first thing she hears every morning, today included. « Good morning to you too. » she answered « and it’s 5 am… Work starts at 9. »

Her morning routine is not that special: She washes her face, brushes her teeth and eats breakfast while talking to the voices.

She loves talking to them in the morning. They are not judgemental, they actually give her pieces of advice: decisions she can make, places she can go, people she should ignore. Then she chooses her OOTD (outfit of the day) and the voices help her pick the best one. By the end of that process they fade away because that’s the time she goes out and gets surrounded by other people.

She always goes to bed so early. As soon as she closes the apartment’s door, they start complaining. The old lady from the grocery store promised her a new scarf… It’s not going to be long until she has a new addition to the other 24. She made dinner and went to sleep afterwards; she actually got overwhelmed by all the noises in her head.