A prologue for a novel

Disclaimer: this text contains references that may be triggering to some people.

Close this book immediately.

Please…

If you value your sanity, put this book down.

For the sake of the safety of your mental health, drop this book out of your hands and stash it somewhere to never see the light again.

Please…

…

I see that your inquisitiveness is blinding your need for mental security. How foolish of you not to have taken my advice!

You’re like a white man in a horror movie. Instead of turning on your heels and run the other way, you go straight forward to your own demise.

That was racist… I’m sorry…

I guess it doesn’t matter now whether I’m being racist or politically correct. I’m already dead.

A part of you was anticipating the revelation, I can tell. Yes, this book is my own personal journal containing all of the reasons why I chose to end my life.

I can picture exactly what’s going on in your mind right now. Watch too much 13 reasons why bruh? – What a ripoff! – I should’ve closed the book the minute he told me to – Oh god! Not another suicide story. – Couldn’t I’ve bought a different book? Such a waste of money… 

And so on and so on…

I’m sorry to disappoint you. I guess that I won’t be disappointing anyone anymore.

I can guarantee you that my episode had nothing to do with the TV show. The whole thing started before the show was aired. However, it might have been influenced by Chester Bennington’s suicide. You know, that fine line separating you from the abyss? The nothingness… The straw that broke the camel’s back.

I’ve had enough already.

It’s July 22nd, I’m 22 years old and my latest birthday was 17 days ago. July 6th. It’s okay, you probably hate math too.

Hate is a strong word. I struggled with it. I used to enjoy it when I actually understood it.

Well, no more math for me.

If you’re a relative, a friend or someone who knew me personally or superficially, I bet that you didn’t see this coming.

It’s okay. I thought about blaming you but then I thought not. How could you have picked up the signs? I gave you none. I pretended like everything was okay. A good actor, that’s what I was. I was convincing myself that I’m strong enough to overcome whatever obstacle that may block my way.

I was not strong enough.

Or maybe there were a couple of subtle signs. I did practically lock myself at home. But then again, you must’ve intercepted it as my usual behavior. I mean, that’s what I always do when I’m back from college.

Or maybe you noticed but you were too busy to make time.

Or maybe you took all my hints and dark humor as mere jokes and plain cynicism.

Or maybe you didn’t care at all.

…

Would you miss me when I’m gone? Please don’t. I don’t need your ephemeral grief and I don’t need you to mourn me. It’s either that I don’t deserve it or that I would feel insulted by your hypocrisy if you do. The option depends on how were you categorized in my books. I would feel culpable should one of those who were
closest to me cry over me. They don’t deserve it. As for those whom I put sweat and tears into pleasing them without a drop of gratefulness or gratitude, don’t you dare… Just don’t. I don’t blame you. I never did. I admit that I either was disgustingly clingy or simply from 2 different worlds. I always try to convince myself that it is your loss.

I’ve always thought of myself as a good person. Pathetic and piteous but good. I’ve always lent a hand to whoever asked for it, provided that I was able to help. I didn’t ask for anything in return or so I was forcing myself to believe. This pestering brain of mine’s always on relentless, never-ending quest to make me doubt and question myself, my principals, my actions, my skills, what I stand for, EVERYTHING!

If I help someone out of the goodness of my heart, my brain was waiting for me at the end of the deed shaking its Joker-y head from side to side with a stiffened chuckle and an obnoxious smirk spitting deceitful words to shake my own convictions.

You know that you want that favor returned, don’t you? I know you do. I know you. I am you. Don’t you try to blind yourself from the truth.

SHUT UP! SHUT THE F*CK UP! LEAVE.ME.ALONE! Haven’t you screwed with me enough already? What else do you need from me?

Saddening.

I grew tiresome of my routine. Everything in my life at home is designed to bum me out. The unbearable heat – my room’s the hottest of them all – the lack of proper air conditioning – then again, the air-conditioner would certainly be the cause of me catching a cold or the flu. I don’t know how or why. It just happened too many times not to notice the pattern.

That town is depressing… Horrendously depressing. The people are depressing. The girls are hard to approach and there’s nothing to do for fun.

That town is like an enormous prison filled with the worst of world’s convicts and my room is the safest place to b if I wanted to ensure my own safety.

I had my computer, multiple notepad’s pages filled with tons of movies and video games to be done with and sticker notes to remind of the skills that I had planned to learn.

Nevertheless, I wasn’t able to follow the plan. The day grew long and I had to rely on hours and hours of watching porn and masturbating just to lose track of time. Sadly, the minute I was finished, it was either too late or I was too tired and out of focus to do anything productive.

I felt captive in my own mind. I knew that it was all in my head. I knew that I had the tools to conquer the barriers that I planted for myself. I had goals. Lots and lots of goals. I was ambitious. I was creative. I was optimistic. But I was also self-destructive. My cerebrum was a dark place to roam inside. A black hole suctioning every hardly-generated positive thought or self-encouragement. A merciless, forever-hungry leech feeding off my bright side to nurture the Stygian one.

You suck. You’re stupid. You’re a disgrace to yourself, to your family and to everyone who’s counting on you. You’re a weakling. You’re pathetic, etc.

That was my punishment whenever I failed to follow the plans or whenever I had done something that I vowed I wouldn’t do again. In the end, it became my daily mantra and I succumbed to my dark side.

I don’t like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go but there’s comfort in the panic
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me
Yeah I drive myself crazy
‘Cause I can’t escape the gravity

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

You say that I’m paranoid
But I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me
It’s not like I make the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking messy
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on
Why is everything so heavy?

I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
I know I’m not the center of the universe
But you keep spinning round me just the same
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything’s about me

I’m holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
If I just let go, I’d be set free
Holding on

Why is everything so heavy?

Why is everything so heavy?
Why is everything so heavy?

– Linkin Park –

« Why is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down »

I guess I won’t be feeling heavy anymore.

Well, goodbye.

…

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